A Better Son/Daughter.

I feel like life has handed me a terrible hand of cards. What's worse is that I have no idea how to play cards. So, I'm just stuck feeling useless and miserable.

No, not miserable.

I just feel...empty. I don't feel anything most of the time actually. I worry, I stress, and I get done what needs to get done. The necessities at least. I feed and take care of Galen, do my homework, and take care of myself most of the time. I'm just too tired and in too much pain to do anything else.

Something is definitely wrong with my body.

I am still pretty sure I have fibromyalgia, which really sucks, but I just want it to go away. I have an appointment with my doctor in February to see what's wrong with me.
Maybe we'll get it nailed this time.

I know I need to lose weight, I know that's a huge factor in my pain and fatigue. I've tried and tried to lose weight and nothing seems to be working. I work out, I eat (mostly) healthy, but the pounds stay put.

Today my mom was diagnosed with Metabolic Disease. I'm so scared for her health. Her doctor says he strongly recommends bariatric surgery if her new diet and medicine doesn't help.

Yay, right?
Wrong.

Her insurance doesn't cover a penny of bariatric surgery. They think obese people should have punishments for getting fat.

Their punishment? They die of heart disease.

My dad is dead, I can't lose her too. I can't.

Metabolic Disease basically means she has diabetes as well as heart disease. Did you know that Heart Disease is the NUMBER ONE killer of women in the US?

Yea, awesome.

I can't handle this. What if I have it too?
Heart conditions run very strong on both sides of my family.
My dad, his dad, and my maternal great grandfather all died of heart complications. One of my Uncles on my dad's side has heart problems, and so does my paternal Aunt. So far it's mainly men, but that doesn't mean anything.

I could be next.

And who would raise Galen? He doesn't have a father, he can't lose me. And he can't lose my mom. His 'Mom.' I'm fairly certain he loves her more than any child has ever loved their grandma.

On top of all this worry, money has gotten terribly tight. I need a job, and am basically a shoe in for a para in the district, however they're apparently on a "hiring freeze" because of the economy and all of the budget cuts being given to the district. Great.

I NEED A JOB.

I want to feel like this again.

Sometimes in the morning I am petrified and can't move.
Awake, but cannot open my eyes.
And the weight is crushing down on my lungs, I know I can't breathe.
And hope someone will save me this time.
And your mother's still calling you insane and high
Swearing it's different this time.
And you tell her to give in to the demons that possess her
And that God never blessed her insides.
Then you hang up the phone and feel badly for upsetting things
And crawl back into bed to dream of a time
When your heart was open wide and you loved things just because
Like the sick and the dying.

And sometimes when you're on, you're really fucking on
And your friends they sing along and they love you.
But the lows are so extreme that the good seems fucking cheap
And it teases you for weeks in its absence.

But you'll fight and you'll make it through
You'll fake it if you have to and you'll show up for work with a smile
You'll be better and you'll be smarter and more grown up
And a better daughter or son and a real good friend
And you'll be awake, you'll be alert, you'll be positive though it hurts
And you'll laugh and embrace all your friends
You'll be a real good listener, you'll be honest, you'll be brave
You'll be handsome and you'll be beautiful.
You'll be happy.

Your ship may be coming in.
You're weak, but not giving in
To the cries and the wails of the valley below.
And your ship may be coming in.
You're weak, but not giving in.
And you'll fight it, you'll go out fighting all of them.

MeDOULA Oblongata

The medulla oblongata is the lower portion of the brainstem. It deals with autonomic functions, such as breathing and blood pressure.

A doula is an assistant who provides various forms of non-medical support (physical, emotional and informed choice) in the childbirth process.

(see how they kinda connect? Kinda? Ha, whatever.)

SWEET!

Okay, so I've decided to become a Doula and I'm sooo stoked.
I will be getting my certification through DONA International, beginning in a couple weeks. I'll start the "required reading" and then in February I'll attend my Professional Labor Support Training Birth Doula Workshop Yea. It's pretty exciting.

After the workshop I'll be completely ready to work as an actual Doula!
Of course, I won't be certified quite yet.

For complete certifications my requirements are:

• Required reading of 5(or more if I choose) Doula books..I'll be buying them shortly
  
• Attending a Doula workshop of 16 hours...taking place in February
• Take a Childbirth Education Class (like lamaze)
• Complete a lactation class
• Attend (as a Doula) three births (already have one THANK YOU TINA)
  
• Write an Essay on Doula's and whatnot
• and some other legal stuff

I'M SO FLIPPING EXCITED!!!!!!!!

...now all I need is two more pregnant ladies to let me be their Doula :)

You Love Until You Don't

The Fear You Won't Fall-Joshua Radin.

Digging a hole and the walls are caving in

Behind me air's getting thin but I'm trying
I'm breathing in
Come find me

It hasn't felt like this before
It hasn't felt like home before you
And I know it's easy to say but it's harder to feel
This way

And I miss you more than I should
Than I thought I could
Can't get my mind off of you

I know you're scared that I'll soon be over it
That's part of it all
Part of the beauty of falling in love with you is the fear you won't fall

It hasn't felt like this before
It hasn't felt like home before you
And I know it's easy to say but it's harder to feel
This way

And I miss you more than I should than I thought I could
Can't get my mind off of you

And I hate the phone
But I wish you'd call
Thought being alone
Was better than was better than
And I know it's easy to say but it's harder to feel this way

And I miss you more than I should
Than I thought I could
Can't get my mind off of you
Can't get my mind off of you
And I know it's easy to say but it's harder to feel
This way
And I miss you more than I should
Than I thought I could
Can't get my mind off of you

And the Award goes to...

Definitely NOT Twilight!

Man, where to start?
How about with Edward? Robert Pattinson is ugly. Edward is described as "less lanky, less bulky, with untidy, bronze-colored hair...more boyish than the others...chalky pale...very dark eyes...devastatingly, inhumanly beautiful." In fact, all of the Cullens were described as "devastatingly, inhumanly beautiful," yet none were. I'll say it again, Robert Pattinson is ugly.
So, who was my Edward?

Gaspard Ulliel

He is gorgeous. Maybe this picture doesn't best represent his Vampirishness..but he's beautiful.

OTHER PROBLEMS:

I have a whole list. Actually, I have a whole 498 page book annotated with problems, but I'll just highlight my major problems. (I apologize now, as this will probably get extremely boring unless you're psychotically passionate about Book-to-Movie translations like I am...and you love Twilight.)

1.Billy and Jacob WERE NOT supposed to be there when Bella got her truck. It was already at Charlie's house when they got home from the airport.
2.Bella's bedroom was entirely wrong. How hard is it to put up yellow curtains instead of blue and add a computer? Does that really add to the film budge that much???
3.Eric was Asian? Whatever, he was supposed to be all greasy and pimply...movie Eric was cute.
4. Rosalie was not model-esque as she was supposed to be. She looked cheap.
5. Emmet was supposed to have dark, curly hair...he had a buzz cut?
5. Many, many conversations were held between the wrong people.
6. Too many details were left out...

*sidenote* I know it was a movie so they'd have to shorten it, and leave out parts. However, they left out parts I thought were extremely important to the storyline. For instance, they NEVER explained the title "Twilight"and what it meant, you also learned next to nothing about the Cullens. Not enough times was spent developing Edward and Bella's relationship. Over 3/4 of the book was spent just developing their relationship, but the movie didn't do much. I left not caring at all about them...

7. The face Edward made in the Biology room?! He looked like he was going to vomit, like she smelled disgusting not delicious...I know in the book it says he looks disgusted, but come on. LEARN HOW TO ACT!
8. Bella and Charlie ate at a diner every single night...Bella is supposed to cook for him and "take care" of him.
9. Bella and her mother, Renee communicated via Cellphone. Here mom is supposed to be very forgetful, and they are supposed to communicate mainly through emails, but Bella didn't even have a computer in the movie!
10.In the books, Charlie is supposed to be oblivious to the Cullen's "truth", he's heard rumors but doesn't believe them. In the movie he was very suspicious, and believed there was somthing other than an animal killing people.
11. In the movie, there were 2 more killings than in the book...James, Victoria, and Laurent killed a millworker, and Charlies friend Wayland, which never happened in the book.
12. Many conversations were combined and/or took place in the wrong time/place.
13. In the book, Edward is sarcastic, lighthearted and laughs, makes fun of Bella etc. (unless she's in danger of course) in the movie he was always serious. Too serious. Soap Opera Serious. He was supposed to laugh, smile, joke, sing, etc. He always looked constipated.
14. Bella didn't bump her head when she almost got hit by Tyler's car...she was supposed to...
15. There was some random made up field trip...
16. There was supposed to be a period of time, about a month, where Bella and Edward didn't talk. There was no time in between in the movie.
17. In the book, Bella frequently got very frusterated at Edward and exploded on him..she never did that in the movie. She was too static.
18. One of my favorite scenes, where they were blood-typing in biology, never occured.
19. In LaPush, in the book, Jacob directly told Bella that Edward was a vampire, in the movie Jacob was more vague.
20. In the book, Jacob and Bella did not remember each other, in the movie they were "old buds."
21. Edward never "dazzled" anyone...especially Bella. It never even came up.
22. Edwards "gift" wasn't super obvious, and never annoyed Bella like it did in the book.
23. In the book, Edward is really bothered by how much Bella likes him. He wishes she'd just lose interest. In the movie, he didn't seem to care too much.
24. Jacob was almost nonexistant in the movie, he appears off an on in the book.
25. Edward and Bella were never apart in the movie, in the book they were apart when he needed to hunt and such, and it was devastating to them both.
26. What happened to the beautiful field where Edward showed off and they tested their limits?
27. In the movie, Edwards disappearance after the biology incident went unexplained.
28. The Cullen house was completely wrong in the movie. It was very modern and wood, it was supposed to be a big, old, white, rectangular house.
29. The movie made the Vampires look stupid.
30. The "matriculation" joke, should have been a huge wooden cross.
31. In the book, Edward growled and play attacked Bella after she said he didn't scare her...in the movie he climbed trees after her statement.

Uggh. There's so much more. So much.




On a completely different note, as of recent events, I feel it's important to say:

I love you, sister.

Wide Awake.

Okay, this is ridiculous. It is 12:35 am and I am wide awake (and have to be at work in another town at 7am). And starving. And we have no food in the house..at least none readily made, so of course I ordered some awesome Pita Pit. Mmm :)

Okay, for more important news: SHE'S HERE!!! Ever Sophia "Pillow" Beeson has arrived. Galen and I have been not-so-patiently but excitedly awaiting her arrival, and on November 10th she decided to 'hatch' as Galen says. And she's gorgeous...ready for this?There is she is, pretty girl huh? This is Galen's favorite picture of her because he got her that pink blanket and the bunny pillow, so of course he's proud they're being used. :)

We looooove her. Galen refuses to call her Ever, I'm pretty sure when they're in there 20's he'll still be calling her Pillow. It could be kind of weird since he's already said he's going to marry her. Can you imagine that proposal; "Pillow, will you marry me?" Haha. Actually, his exact words when we left the hospital were, "I love that beautiful little girl. I'm going to marry her."

That's my exciting news. Now I can get my baby fix (almost) anytime I want. :)

Okay..as asked, here are updated pictures of my beardie. It's hard to tell how big he is so I put him next to a ruler.

Here's a good example of how big he was when we got him. He easily crawled around on a two year olds head....

This is him now, sitting on my thigh, yes..he's almost the size of my thigh.

Such a big boy. I tried to make him mad so he'd puff out his beard, it's so cool. All black and blue and huge when he's mad or showing off. But he wasn't interested in doing that for me, so you just get standard Figgy shots.

Ohhh Figment.

Last, and certainly not least, I found this AWESOME book at the used book store.That's right, for THREE DOLLARS you can lose weight, get laid and find God. How amazing. No, I did not purchase it.

Too Tired.

I am too tired to think.
Too tired to come up with a more creative title.
Too tired to write a more excitig blog.

Too tired to cook dinner, so Galen's eating an apple, some chips, fruit snacks, and a sandwich for dinner.

I am too tired to upload the pictures I took of Figment today (because multiple people have been asking for updated pictures.)

I'm too tired to tell about my day spent back in high school, guest speaking in parenting classes.

I am too tired.

SWEET!

Hey look. I added a blog for my Custom Made Crochet Designs!!!!!!!

http://CrochetMutter.blogspot.com

pretty sweet dude.
enjoy!