A Better Son/Daughter.

I feel like life has handed me a terrible hand of cards. What's worse is that I have no idea how to play cards. So, I'm just stuck feeling useless and miserable.

No, not miserable.

I just feel...empty. I don't feel anything most of the time actually. I worry, I stress, and I get done what needs to get done. The necessities at least. I feed and take care of Galen, do my homework, and take care of myself most of the time. I'm just too tired and in too much pain to do anything else.

Something is definitely wrong with my body.

I am still pretty sure I have fibromyalgia, which really sucks, but I just want it to go away. I have an appointment with my doctor in February to see what's wrong with me.
Maybe we'll get it nailed this time.

I know I need to lose weight, I know that's a huge factor in my pain and fatigue. I've tried and tried to lose weight and nothing seems to be working. I work out, I eat (mostly) healthy, but the pounds stay put.

Today my mom was diagnosed with Metabolic Disease. I'm so scared for her health. Her doctor says he strongly recommends bariatric surgery if her new diet and medicine doesn't help.

Yay, right?
Wrong.

Her insurance doesn't cover a penny of bariatric surgery. They think obese people should have punishments for getting fat.

Their punishment? They die of heart disease.

My dad is dead, I can't lose her too. I can't.

Metabolic Disease basically means she has diabetes as well as heart disease. Did you know that Heart Disease is the NUMBER ONE killer of women in the US?

Yea, awesome.

I can't handle this. What if I have it too?
Heart conditions run very strong on both sides of my family.
My dad, his dad, and my maternal great grandfather all died of heart complications. One of my Uncles on my dad's side has heart problems, and so does my paternal Aunt. So far it's mainly men, but that doesn't mean anything.

I could be next.

And who would raise Galen? He doesn't have a father, he can't lose me. And he can't lose my mom. His 'Mom.' I'm fairly certain he loves her more than any child has ever loved their grandma.

On top of all this worry, money has gotten terribly tight. I need a job, and am basically a shoe in for a para in the district, however they're apparently on a "hiring freeze" because of the economy and all of the budget cuts being given to the district. Great.

I NEED A JOB.

I want to feel like this again.

Sometimes in the morning I am petrified and can't move.
Awake, but cannot open my eyes.
And the weight is crushing down on my lungs, I know I can't breathe.
And hope someone will save me this time.
And your mother's still calling you insane and high
Swearing it's different this time.
And you tell her to give in to the demons that possess her
And that God never blessed her insides.
Then you hang up the phone and feel badly for upsetting things
And crawl back into bed to dream of a time
When your heart was open wide and you loved things just because
Like the sick and the dying.

And sometimes when you're on, you're really fucking on
And your friends they sing along and they love you.
But the lows are so extreme that the good seems fucking cheap
And it teases you for weeks in its absence.

But you'll fight and you'll make it through
You'll fake it if you have to and you'll show up for work with a smile
You'll be better and you'll be smarter and more grown up
And a better daughter or son and a real good friend
And you'll be awake, you'll be alert, you'll be positive though it hurts
And you'll laugh and embrace all your friends
You'll be a real good listener, you'll be honest, you'll be brave
You'll be handsome and you'll be beautiful.
You'll be happy.

Your ship may be coming in.
You're weak, but not giving in
To the cries and the wails of the valley below.
And your ship may be coming in.
You're weak, but not giving in.
And you'll fight it, you'll go out fighting all of them.